Past years cooking of the Christmas paella before adding the prawns and chorizo on top
At the moment the brain injury hubby is recovering from has sapped his energy and creative flair
. He loves the creative outlet of cooking and sharing food with loved ones, (his way of giving gifts and koha). I enjoy helping and do not want to impose on & reduce his creative artistic food directions. For him it is relaxing and fun to delve into and his past creations have been amazing. We had a tradition of making a proper paella for Christmas. In better times I
brought hubby a sausage making machine & kitchen mixing machine,
named Gerty, which he made amazing creations with. We
had homemade tapenades, chutneys, harrissas, curries, roasts, pate, breads, home made sausages
(his first set was chicken, chilli & bacon, and a beef, rosemary & shitake). Although at the moment there are not many energy points available to do it so even simple food can still be very difficult. Now the prospect of cooking a meal is now a long process that needs to be broken down to short stages.
The brain injury happened from a set of incredibly bad falls, a massive knock with concrete and the mind changed as if a switch had been thrown. Near the beginning he would not remember minutes, hours, days, weeks,
months, things were blurred with mental, visual and auditory issues.
There was a lot of frustration. Very slowly his memory has been getting better, his ability to read has come back, some tasks can be completed, the dyslexia dropping, but the fatigue, the complexity and memory of tasks has still been off kilter. Almost as if you can remember now what you want to do, but forget how to do it or at what stage you are at. Slowly building the mind back to previous levels has been a journey we are still travelling on. After a year of recovery there has been significant changes.
We knew the symptoms of traumatic brain injury but the severity surprised us a bit. He would often have several bad concussions a year but after a couple to a few days would be better. But this one was bad, for many months I would be a backup memory and helped out a lot with the planning, bills, shopping, transport (as I am the only driver between us), even the cooking when it became too much for him. I would not like to take away his chance to cook, take away his agency at a thing he feels relaxed at and enjoys, but often it would become mentality tiring & too complex even then. We understand that having agency is important when you are disabled. We often leap into what we can still do that much more and value it highly.
Image by Vetalitycorp
Some effects of brain injury we found strange. He went from a night owl to a morning lark. For a man of multiple languages with such detail & memory his gaining dyslexia & slurring speech was very frustrating for him. I have dyslexia but living with it for most my life I have built up the ability to recognise some of mistakes and add in some self correction. I can appreciate the confusion that comes with it. After all in your mind you have said or done something, but out loud something else came out of your mouth or hands and you did not hear it being said or read it as it is written. Likewise when cooking he would think he had done something but in the end would have forgotten and when asked could not remember either way. Hence when preparing to cook with recipes, cooking times, multiple things to focus on and completing tasks it is still a challenge. So we would break down to simple things, simple flavours at first. Then later on move to just adding a couple of steps and tools on top after a couple of months. It was beans for breakfast for many meals.
It was my Mums birthday recently, she knows how much hubby loves to cook & be creative with food experimentation so she brought a duck for us to roast for her. He has been practising cooking a few times for dinners but we thought a roast lunch would suit both of our fatigue levels more. Hubby broke the process down to 3 days of tasks we could both do. I would be in charge of additional ingredient sourcing, purchasing, getting the veges ready. We went with orange for the duck, NZ yams otherwise known as oca (on good discount $2 for 500g), earth gems (super small sort of potatoes called ulluco native to the Andes, South America), courgettes/zucchinis, mixed colour purple and white cauliflower for a puree (from a small fruit & vege market also extremely discounted), and thyme from the garden. I have to admit it took me a couple of weeks to gather ingredients.
NZ Yams otherwise known as oca (not the sweet potatoes called yams in America)
We would go to Mum's kitchen to do the prep work and cooking, making it easier to pack down after each stage and so we could do the roast in an oven. For hubby the first day is preparing the brine mix of orange rind and salt, while defrosting the duck. The next day will be to put the duck in a watery brine mix in a sealy bag, then leave in the fridge overnight. Afterwards he would prepare the spice rub mix with sumac, smoked paprika, nutmeg, clove, cinnamon, mace, salt and pepper, and a glaze of pomegranate molasses, orange juice, orange rind, brown sugar and a bit of the spice rub. On the last day it was time to roast. The yams and earth gems go in a roasting pan, hubby would put the duck on top. A tricky bit was to lift the skin of the duck breast to rub the spice mix on the meat underneath then rub more spice mix around the outside. Add a topping of sliced orange. Into the oven it goes.
Then I would cook the cauliflower and strangely the mix of purple and white cauliflower would make a blueish puree with fresh thyme mixed in. The courgettes would get fried with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Hubby would come back at regular intervals to check the duck, I would lift it out of the oven for him and he could pour the glaze over the duck. Back into the oven it goes again. We prepared some non alcoholic drinks like red bush ice tea, lime juice and soda, and mum brought some wine to share but which in the end she drank herself (we had to abstain and stick to mostly all the drinks we prepared due to the reactions from alcohol). The plates were out, the table set, some rice crackers and condiments were shared and the roast duck was finally ready.
It was delicious, the orange and spiced flavour was amazing, along with the sweet roasties, sweet fried courgettes and a very nice umami cauliflower puree. The duck was lovely and meaty. It was amazing to have after not having meat for so long. We saved all the bones and scraps for later days of cooking, (a duck bone stock perhaps and orange & spiced duck fat for later roast veges), and with what we roasted there were at least some roasties leftovers too. It was nice sitting down to lunch with Mum.
Seeing a friend's band play years ago
Mum wanted to know if I could go out to gigs still. After dinner I was struggling to stand and holding onto the bench for help while taking the dishes across. I wanted to objectively think about it. I was not sure. I would love to go out. I would push myself through any pain and given any results just to spend time with family. But I was struck with a pause that I should be honest with myself, had I really been able to make through an event in the past years? Could I go to a gig again soon and not end up in pain and passing out from orthostatic issues after little more than an hour or more... I cannot even make it through a movie at a cinema without fighting issues and lack of consciousness.
At a gig due to the environment personal safety is slightly more at risk and nights out are very expensive, (assaults can be common in certain crowds and there can be nowhere to sit, lie down or have a breathier, not to mention transport at night is an effort and super expensive when not driving). To be positive I mentioned to mum I did not mind not going out much, even though I would love to go out with friends and family. I did not mention that it can be isolating being both financially and physically separated away from the people you care about and unable to see them but desperately wanting to. At this point in time hubbies energy gave out, and so it was time for him to relax his mind and body as part of his recovery. It was a moment where we both were having difficulty standing. I would get very faint, have difficulty breathing and my vision would go black, I would slump into a thankfully very solid object, and do breathing exercises resting a bit before continuing. After cuddles we went back to our flat, and crashed hard.
Two planes flying in sync with each other in Wanaka (a holiday of past years)
It is funny how much ME is like a severe brain injury and for a long time I was hoping to mirror hubbies recovery. But what is painfully clear is that now he is outstripping me in regaining his skills and the skills we shared. I am still struggling to do even a simple meal & shopping trip once every fortnight. Engineering work is an immense gulf away still in the labyrinth that is recovery. Hubby needs me to drive multiple trips in a week and unfortunately my body is not playing ball. I will push myself as much as I can, regardless of what may come after. I try to build back up using similar practices that many with neurological issues face, (even ones hubby himself used for severe brain injury). I still hope one day I can go back to where I was, to return. But life is to always move forward and never be trapped in regret.
Yes I often lose ground and the sand castle I am working on will be taken back into the encroaching tide. We want to have lots of meals with family and friends again. Even if they are buying the meat. So no matter if the waves wash away my sand castle I take it in my stride and build up a new one the next day (or a day when I can). The waves and tide are very much like the issues you face with a chronic illness. I have to let things go like sand being pulled back into the sea. You cannot hold it, it is a temporary and changing environment you cannot fix in place. Some sand castles are better and closer to being finished on certain days and others you may struggle to hold a clump of sand in hands too clumsy & painful to build while a storm whips around you. While hubby is frustrated with his slow recovery I make sure to let him know that he is noticeably getting better and I am there to help & be with him along the way (even if he is angry due to frustration). The brain injury was like a switch to night that has the sun coming back around and the dawn coming up. It is something I cannot say for myself so I tend to over apologize when the storm is raging for things I should be able to do.
View of Mt Rangitoto in Auckland taken from beach
We are on the beach together waiting for the sun to break over the horizon. It is close now I can see the glow and I hope I have finished a sandcastle too when it does.
Everything I say only seems to complicate it
Every little fight is just another night wasted
Are we gonna lose? Is it gonna last?
Worry about the future, worry about the past
Think we're gonna break before I get a chance to say this
Don't wanna live without you
Staring in your eyes, everything simplifies
Leave it all behind, everything simplifies
All we need is nothing more when everything simplifies
You and I need nothing more, everything simplifies
Stressing over this, stressing over that, we're falling
Like the whole world is banging on the door I'm calling
Are we gonna lose? Is it gonna last?
Worry about the future, worry about the past
Filter out the noise, focus on my voice and fall in
Staring in your eyes, everything simplifies
Leave it all behind, everything simplifies
All we need is nothing more when everything simplifies
You and I need nothing more, everything simplifies
Why must we complicate
Every breath we take?
Why can't you see we'll be alright?
Nothing disappears
Even the pain we've been through
But all I need is here
Don't wanna live without you
All we need is nothing more when everything simplifies
You and I need nothing more, everything simplifies
